For the most part, life has been going pretty well. I have far more up days than downs, which is a vast improvement over where I was last year at this time. The divorce still hasn’t happened, because she got sick. I don’t know how bad it got, or even if she’s still sick, but I don’t think she wants me to know. She had mentioned in an email sometimes last year that she didn’t want me to be involved in her life, so I’m giving her all the space she wants, for as long as she wants it, which I imagine will be forever. It’s not my business anymore, so I’m not going to focus on it. I’m focusing on me. I’ve picked up my pieces. I’ve moved on. I’ve been chasing my happiness.
Some days it’s harder to chase it than others, though. Last night I had a string of nightmares, one after another, waking up from one only to go back to sleep and find another one. It put me in a dark place this morning, and I’ve been on the edge of that darkness all day long. While grilling dinner, I had my music shuffling an 80s and 90s mix, and R.E.M.’s ‘Everybody Hurts’ came on. That was it. That was the push I need to tumble into the darkness. I just started crying as I cooked my dinner, standing outside of my garage looking around the neighborhood through blurry tears. I was going to log in and play some games with friends tonight, but at that moment I knew I wasn’t going to. It’s a hard habit to break, the self-isolation when these moods hit. I know being alone just makes it worse, but being in a group also feels like it makes it worse. I don’t know which one has a greater negative effect, though.
As I was sitting on my couch, eating dinner with the lights out and the television off, I got a message from Sunshine to come and play games with them. So I logged in, and gave it my best try, but couldn’t quite pull myself out of that darkness. I tried, but today isn’t going to be a win. So I excused myself, and logged back out to go sit on my couch in the dark some more. I have a doctor’s appointment in just over four weeks, and I plan on discussing medicine with him them. I have no rational reason to feel like this today. It has to be chemical. It’s time I start cycling through the medicines again to see if I can find something that works.
For tonight, though, I think I’ll just go lie in bed and cry in the darkness until I fall asleep.