I haven’t been writing very much lately because I’ve actually been feeling pretty good, which is funny because I know that my friends would much rather read about me being happy than being miserable. There is one source of anxiety looming, though, and that’s Christmas week.
I still don’t have a final plan for what to do for my birthday. I was going to go spend it at the lake house by myself. I told my parents this, to make sure they wouldn’t be there, yet every time I’ve talked to my mother about it since, she asks “So are you are your friends getting excited about going to the lake house for your birthday?” And every time I remind her that I’m going by myself. Is she not listening? Does she think I’m lying about wanting to be alone? Or does she think that she’s planting a seed that will make me end up inviting friends?
Christmas… well, it’s Christmas. I’ve never really liked it as an adult. I don’t enjoy the gift exchange. I don’t particularly want to hang out with family, especially now that Rob is dead and Rachel won’t be there. And to top it off, I’m not involved in the planning of what day we’re doing what. They just tell me a day and expect me to be available. Again, my mother’s hand in things. I’m trying not to be bitter towards her, because she’s doing the same things she’s always done and I’ve never really challenged her to stop doing them. It’s just a fight I don’t want to have yet. Not this year, especially.
Then there’s my favorite holiday of the year… New Years’ Eve. I’ve always liked the idea of second chances, of rebirth, or remaking oneself, so it makes sense that this holiday holds the highest spot of them all. I don’t have a plan yet. Maybe I’ll just sit under the moon at midnight and wax contemplative. Maybe I’ll go to a party. Maybe I’ll take a road trip and not be anywhere near Columbia or the memories. The future holds endless possibilities, and it seems fitting (for one of the first times in my life) not to make a plan for New Years’ Eve and just let the Universe guide me to wherever I’ll be that night.