Those who read the password protected letter already know this but for those that didn’t, I’m working on forgiving myself. It’s a hard thing to do, and part of me still doesn’t feel like I’m worthy of it as long as she’s still hurting. But I’m working on it anyway. If I don’t forgive myself, if I don’t love myself, then I will never improve myself. I will just keep wallowing in this negativity and pain, barking at the dark moon within myself. At least that’s what I’ve been told in therapy.
As part of this process, I’m writing her an email from the place I am now. In that email, I apologize to her for the terrible mistakes I made in our marriage. I apologize for the betrayal and for the complacency, for the lack of communication that she so desperately needed, for the failure to make her know how much she meant to me.
She may not forgive me, though I hope one day she can. She may not even read the whole email, though I think I know her well enough to say that she will. She may read it and get even angrier and more hurt. I can’t control how she reacts. I can only control my actions. If she doesn’t forgive me, that will make me sad, but it’s okay. It’s not important to my process if she forgives me. It’s important that I meant my apologies in earnest. It’s important that I finally speak to her from my heart, even if it’s too late to salvage even a friendship. It’s important that I finally speak to everyone from my heart. To let all of the world see who I am, how I’m feeling, and how I’m trying to make a better version of myself in the end.
So to my friends who still talk to me… don’t be afraid to ask how I’m feeling. Just don’t be surprised if I tell you more than “I’m fine” or if I start to cry when I answer. I’m not going to lock my feelings inside anymore, even though it hurts like hell to experience them sometimes.