It Doesn’t FEEL Okay to Have Feelings

Trigger warning: Yeah, I’m fucked up. I talk about wanting to die, and wanting to kill myself, and how terrible my life feels sometimes. You can go read something else if you don’t want to think those thoughts. I’m not the happy-go-lucky bachelor I was at the beginning of this blog. I should probably just make this section the welcome page to the blog, honestly.

I’m in a really bad place tonight. I have been all day. It’s as simple as looking at one little thing, and being reminded of a time before all of this. A time when I thought everyone was happy. That one tiny little reminder lights a fire under that memory. As that memory burns to ash, the smoke from it just fills my brain and all I want to do is end it. Do whatever I can to claw it from my mind and move forward. I want to curl up and die and be done with this.

But I don’t. I’m trying to feel. Trying to process those feelings. Trying to develop some healthy coping mechanism so that when these reminders pop up… and this house is fucking full of them… I don’t go insane with grief and pain and guilt and shame. It sucks.

I mentioned, either publicly or privately here, that if I thought time travel was possible, I’d be pursuing every PhD I could to built a machine to send me back. I didn’t say to when, though. Today, I knew where I would go: December 21, 2014. I wrote about this back then. I had the whole plan to off myself after my 40th birthday if I wasn’t where I wanted to be in life. But between Mama Jill dying and meeting Rachel in person, I saw a light at the end of the tunnel and thought “Hey, it can only get easier, right?” Well, Past-Me, if I could build a time machine I would come find you and tell you to pull that fucking trigger. It gets me out of my pinky promise. It lets her go on and find someone who actually deserved her. It keeps me from ruining anyone’s life besides my own. I honestly believe, with all of my heart, that everyone would have been better off if I had gone through with it. And that is the black darkness that I’ve been wallowing in all fucking day.

Our wedding anniversary is coming up on the 11th. I am completely unprepared for this.

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