It’s no secret that I hate myself, and that I talk shit to myself on a regular basis. I put myself down. I don’t believe in myself. I criticize everything I try to accomplish. I’m not nice to myself. My therapist asked if I would let someone else talk to me the way I talk to myself, and I had to think about it for a minute. If someone else put me down or criticized me, I might agree with them on some level, but I’d stand up for myself. I’d argue that they were wrong, ask for evidence, or ask them to be constructive in their criticism. So why do I let myself talk to me that way?
So, I ‘d like you to meet Bob. Bob is the externalization of those negative thoughts and comments. I’ve seen enough suspense/horror movies to know that this is how I develop multiple personality disorder and become a villain, but so far I think it’s helping. It still feels kind of dumb to confront myself like this, but it feels less dumb each time when I come out of it feeling a little better than I would have normally.
I don’t really have a lot to say lately. At least not a lot to say publicly. People ask me how I am, and my answer is the same every time. “I have good days and days, but most days are a mixture of the two.” I don’t think I’ll be “normal” again for quite awhile. I’m not looking forward to the holidays. I think I might travel somewhere far away, somewhere I’ve never been, and just tell my family they can make do without me.