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No Sleep

I had my annual appointment with my pulmonologist yesterday morning to see how the CPAP machine is working out and make any needed adjustments. He walked in the room while looking at a graph that showed my sleep patterns and said, “You’ve slept an average of 25 hours a week for the past month.” After explaining the situation to him, he said that I need to get more sleep. No shit. He said he could give me drugs, but that wouldn’t be the ideal solution as they don’t address the root cause, and they’re also habit-forming. I said I’d give it some more time and if it doesn’t start getting better, I’d call in for the scrip then.

I laid in bed last night thinking about why I couldn’t sleep. It’s never really been a problem for me to fall asleep, although it sometimes feels like it takes an hour from laying down until I actually drift off. The reason is pretty obvious to me. I lay there and I worry about her. I worry that she’s not sleeping. I worry that she’s crying in bed with no one to comfort her. I worry that she’s muddling through her days as tired, or more tired, than I am, and then I just start to hate myself because I’m the cause of that. She might be sleeping fine, of course. I wouldn’t know because she doesn’t talk to me. I imagine, though, that she’s not sleeping well.

This blog has been mainly about me, about my journey and my thoughts, primarily because I’m the narrator. As such, I can only write what I know, and I don’t know much about what’s going on in her life. I know she has a bed, a fridge with a small freezer, and vacuum cleaner. She had talked about her mom coming up to spend some time with her, and I hope that happened. I hope friends are coming to visit, or she’s visiting with them. I say all of this because I’m worried about her, and not just because I’m responsible for this situation. I worry about her because I still love her just as much as I ever did, and I want to take care of her. I don’t expect her to forgive me, and maybe she never will, but I want the opportunity to show her that I’m trying to be worthy of forgiveness. Even if I’m only allowed to be a friend, friends can still comfort each other when times are tough.

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