Day 35 – Acceptance

I went to have dinner with my parents last night. Mom made chicken and rice/chicken bog specifically for me. Up until I met my wife, that was my favorite meal. Once I had jambalaya, though, it was immediately replaced. I didn’t want to go, but I need to start leaving the house more. It was a tiny gathering, with my best friend (the best friend that isn’t my wife) and one of their friends as well. We didn’t talk about my situation, which was good. The chicken and rice was a disappointment. It tasted the same as it always has, but it wasn’t jambalaya. It wasn’t her jambalaya. Their friend needed to leave shortly after dinner, and I used it as an excuse to get the fuck out of there and not linger. I didn’t want to talk to them about anything.

Today, my mom called me to check in. She noticed I was “droopy” last night, and wanted to make sure I was okay. I told her I was fine, which she called me out on. “If you’re not fine, don’t say it.” She asked if I had talked to her yet, to which I replied we haven’t really spoken. She told me I needed to make more of an effort, because she didn’t know what to tell family when they asked about us. (Is that making it about her?) I replied that her Facebook status had been updated (I found out through a friend who asked about it) and that, in all likelihood, we’ll be getting divorced next year, so tell them that. Again, she said I wasn’t trying hard enough, and at that point I just shut down and started giving one word answers. “Okay.” “Yeah.” “Bye.”

So I’ve been stewing ever since that call. Am I not trying hard enough? That voice in my head has been telling me that all along, but I’m trying not to listen to it. If I call her, she probably won’t answer. If I text her, she probably won’t answer. If I email her, she might answer after awhile, but I don’t expect her to have changed her stance. On July 28, I had sent her an email saying I didn’t know what she wanted me to do. I said I didn’t want to stop trying, but I also didn’t want to make her angry or hurt her more. I didn’t expect her to reply, but she did. “I don’t want to try to rebuild, I don’t want to give you more power to hurt me anymore then I already have for years.  I told you when I left that I’m done.” That sounds pretty final to me, no matter how much effort I put in.

I assume that she reads this blog, so she shouldn’t have any question about where I stand. If she wanted to reach out, she would. I do want to rebuild trust with her and I do want to try and save our marriage. Most importantly, though, I want her to be happy again. I love her more than anything and she’s the most important thing in my life. If being around me makes her unhappy, if the idea of talking to me makes her unhappy, then I will avoid that as best I can. Her happiness is more important to me than my own, and that will never change. If I have to suffer life without her so that she can enjoy her own life, then that’s what I’ll do.

So am I not trying hard enough? I think it depends on what I’m trying to accomplish. Right now, I’m just trying not to hurt her any more. Her happiness is more important than our marriage. I want her to smile again, no matter what it means for me. She’s so beautiful when she smiles, and it’s not my place to deprive the world of that beauty.

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