Last night, somewhere in that twilight on the edge of sleep but not quite sleep, I was suddenly awoken. It wasn’t by that semi-dream where you’re suddenly falling, though, which is usually what wakes me up from that state. I thought I heard her say my name. I was instantly awake, and my brain did not want to shut up at that point. It was clear and vivid, like she was right there in bed next to me. Of course I imagined it. It’s not the first time that’s happened. (No, I don’t regularly hear voices.)
I laid there, crying in bed, trying to calm back down. My body wasn’t having any of it, though. An anxiety attack was coming and it felt like there was nothing I could do about. (ABBA, Blues Traveler, Cake, Dire Straights, Eurythmics, Filter, Godsmack…) I threw up. Right into my CPAP mask. Funny thing about a CPAP is that it don’t give a shit what’s between the machine and your face. It just keeps blowing that air. So there I was with a mask full of vomit pressed against my face, with a machine just steadily pushing it back into my nose and mouth, effectively choking me, while I tried to untangle my hands from the blankets to get free.
I thought I was going to die, and I took actions to stop it from happening. I guess that’s progress, even though afterwards I thought about how I should have just let it happen.