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Self-Loathing

“I hurt more than I thought was possible. I don’t know when or if it will be better.” Those are her words from an email earlier tonight.

I did that to her. I broke her to a point that she wasn’t aware existed. How am I supposed to handle that responsibility? What can I ever do to balance the scales back to ‘decent human being’ after something like that? There’s nothing I can do to comfort her, and trying to would only make her feel worse because it was coming from me…

I want her to be happy again. I know that’s a long road for her to travel, and I’m aware that I may not be in her circle of friends when that day finally comes. Despite my betrayal, she is still the most important person in my life and I would give anything to fix her. Knowing that she will probably never take me back, and may never forgive me, doesn’t change that. I would die if it made her happy. I would live in misery and suffering if it meant she would be able to smile again.

The liquor bottle is empty now. The Red Bulls are gone. The cigarette pack has been opened. Three of them have been smoked. My nose and throat are already angry with me over it, but I don’t care. I am so deep in self-loathing right now that nothing matters to me. Nothing except her happiness. Ironically, hating myself would probably only make her more unhappy. Despite everything, she still loves me. Otherwise she wouldn’t hurt so much. She wouldn’t care about me taking care of myself.

Once again, I find myself thinking that maybe I should find a way to make her hate me. Give her a reason to stop caring about me. I just don’t know if that would be possible… or if it would just hurt her more.

I’ve never wanted a time machine so much in my life.

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