I spent a few hours this afternoon at my parents so that she could grab a few more things from the house without having to see me. It’s a rough experience, because I want so badly to run home and catch her while she’s here. To plead with her. To try and show her that I would do anything for her forgiveness and another chance. I think that would make things worse, though. She’s still hurting and not in a place to even think about forgiveness, and she’s been fairly clear that reconciliation isn’t up for discussion.
I tried to watch A Quiet Place Part 2 with my mom, but I was too distracted. I even went into her bathroom to cry a little bit. As much as I’m trying to fix that part of me that’s afraid to cry in front of people, I really just didn’t want to listen to what Mom had to say. So I hid. I didn’t really see my dad on this trip, as he hasn’t been sleeping well, so he was trying to take a nap. It makes this whole thing worse to know that it’s affecting my father. I really fucked things up.
Once I was back at the house, I cried in earnest. Not some quiet weeping in the bathroom, but the ugly kind of crying, snot bubbles and all. I hate this. I hate that I did this to her, and to myself. I would give anything to fix it. I sat at my computer and watched the security camera footage of her loading things into her car. I saw her wiping her eyes on one trip and I lost it again. I just want to hold her, to reassure her that she’s not always going to hurt like this, to give her some sort of comfort. The fact that I’m the only person in the world who would make her feel worse if I tried just kills me.
I considered being an asshole to her. To give her more reason to hate me, to make it easier on her. You know that movie trope, where they’re throwing the rock at the animal to make it leave, because that’s what’s best for it… the ending of Harry and the Hendersons. I’m not comparing her to an animal or Bigfoot. I’m just giving you an idea of what I’m talking about. Pushing her away because she needs the space. But I couldn’t do that. I was already enough of an asshole to her, and she still can’t hate me. She’s the most selfless, caring person I’ve ever known, and it just makes me feel that much worse for throwing it all away. She’s a literal fucking angel, and I ruined it.
How am I ever going to find a reason to forgive myself for this? How can I possibly love myself now that I’ve crushed my angel’s heart?