Today was a bad day. I wasn’t even going to write about it, since it feels like every post is depressing, but I wanted to put these feelings down before I sleep, maybe to leave them here and not carry them to bed.
It’s hard to feel hope. It’s hard to believe that there’s a chance of a happy ending here. It’s frustrating and depressing to have no control over the situation and even more frustrating and depressing to know that my choices put me here. How much of this is depression talking to me, and how much is realism? How can I know the difference, if there is one? It’s my fault, so is it wrong to blame myself? My migraine today felt like something I deserved, which I know is depression/self-loathing, but I can’t turn off that feeling.
The only thing I can control is myself… and right now I am doing a poor job of it.