And when you’re sick you seem to think you’ve failed eternally
And that the people you let in are only crumbling
When you’re sick of faking life in this recovery
When my decisions paved the road that lies in front of me
So to my friends that even call but I don’t call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I’m really sick of saying sorry but I will
Ever carried the weight of another? For how long?
Or walked as far as they need to recover? For how long?
– Overweight, by Blue October
Most people who know me are familiar, at least on some level, with my Depression. They might call me an ogre and give me a little Shrek doll. They might say I’ve retreated into my cave. They might text me or leave me a voice mail or two letting me know that they’re just checking on me. The problem with Depression is that it makes you want to avoid those people. It makes you want to hide away from everyone, from everything. Your “cave” is the only place you know to go, and there you’ll hide, for as long as it takes.
I owe all of my friends, and my family, a tremendous Thank You. Thank you, all, for being there when I didn’t want you to be. Thank you for caring about me enough to push, even though I responded poorly. Thank you, all, for your love. Without it, I don’t know where I would be today.
I can’t promise that I’ll never retreat into my cave again, though odds are pretty high that I will. And I’m sorry for the pushing back I will do when you come looking for me. But know that it’s not me pushing back. It’s not me growling in the depths of that cave. It’s just a part of me that’s taken over for awhile. There’s another part, beneath that angry/hurt/scared animal, that loves you back just as much, and is thankful that you’re a part of my life.
While I’ve been trying to keep it semi-healthy for a few months, I have decided that my second renaissance begins tomorrow. So tonight, I’m eating all the junk food that’s left in my house so it won’t be here to tempt me. It’s also going to make my 6:00 am date with Christina (the evil elliptical bitch that she is) much more painful. On June 1, 2014, I weighed in at 367 pounds (166kg, for my European friends). Today, I weighed in at 352 pounds (159kg). My goal, for now, is 250 (113kg). We’ll see how I like it once I reach it.