‘Tis the Season…

DISCLAIMER: I’m not suicidal. I’ll let you know if that changes, before it’s too late to do anything about it.
It’s that time of year again, and my mood has already started to shift. This could also be due to some recent stress at work (more than the usual amount) and the complete lack of interaction with my friends (on-line gaming does not count as interaction). Whatever the cause, I sometimes find myself wondering just why I haven’t killed myself yet. It’s not that I want to die, exactly, but more of a “Why do I bother trying?” feeling. It would be so much easier to be dead, because then I wouldn’t have to worry about anything, right?
Of course, there are downsides to being dead. My dogs would have to find a new forever home, and no one could ever love them as much as I do. My parents and friends would be pretty upset about it. I haven’t named anyone in my will to run to my house and destroy my porn/blast my web cache before my parents clean out my stuff, which could lead to some serious posthumous embarrassment. (Speaking of that, I need to talk with you sometime, Koondog.)
Again, I find that the worst part of this cycle is that I am fully aware that there are no external forces that are causing this depression. I know that it’s something chemical/psychological that is at the root of this. But the condition makes me focus on the negative aspects of my life far more than the positive ones. This year, though, I’m trying something different. When I start to focus on something negative, I will make myself do something positive that is in direct opposition to it.
About a month ago, I bought a home torture kit an elliptical. At first, I had set it up in the computer room, so that I could “play computer” while I worked out. That failed horribly, because there are WAY too many distractions in that room. So last weekend I moved it out into the living room. (Did I mention this thing weighs a million pounds? Yeah, that sucked.) One of the most common negative thoughts lately is that I’m overweight. I don’t think anyone can argue that I’m not overweight, but in my mind it’s not just a statement of fact, but a very negative, mocking statement of fact. Like “You’re fat and you’ll never get another girlfriend.” Reasonably, I know that my previous girlfriends were not blind to my weight problem, but it still stings. So for the past week, every day, I’ve forced myself to climb up onto Christina Grey (My name for this harsh mechanical mistress) and push until I can’t push anymore. Each day, I’ve been able to push farther. Although I’m still suffering from what I’m referring to as “blowouts,” and I’m wondering if this is normal.
So, when I first get off of Christina, my legs are jelly. Seriously, it’s like my muscles don’t function and, worse, my bones don’t exist. So I end up wobbling around from couch to wall to corner to wall to chair until I make it to the shower, where I’m forced to lean against the wall until my legs remember how to work. But at any point after that, sometimes as late as the following day, one of my legs will suddenly forget how to work again, if only for a second or two, and I stumble like Anastasia Steele walking into Christian Grey’s office for the first time. (God, I can’t believe I’m making 50 Shades references in this post. It’s such a shitty book.) Anyway… these blowouts… are they normal? If so, when will they stop?
Another negative thought is that I’m lonely. Again, it’s a factual statement with a hurtful twist. The recent situation at work has had me working odd hours, and the shorter days make it dark before I get even home, and “dark” means “in for the night.” This is harder to force myself to take a positive action in opposition, though. If I go out by myself, to a bar, or Wal-Mart, or wherever, I’m still going to be alone. I’ll just be alone while surrounded by other people. My friends have been doing their own things, and I don’t want to try and shoehorn myself into their plans. (I did get a last-minute invite to dinner last week, but it was on a night that I had to work super late.) This is one I’m still wrestling with, and the best plan I’ve come up with is to make some more friends. (Not to replace the ones I have, just add to my small circle) So where the hell do people make new friends at when they’re almost 40? (Jesus Christ, I’m almost 40. Hello, Negative Thought. Can I deal with you later, please? Take a number. There’s a queue. How apropos, your number is 40.) Rather than make a new friend, yesterday I decided to check in with an old one. So I went to lunch in a place full of old people (it wasn’t Golden Corral) and chatted with the bartender, Noodles. She’s always so damned sunny (when she isn’t throwing her drink on a boyfriend) that it can’t help but brighten your day. And it worked. Yesterday, after 1pm, was a good day. Now I just need to find more friends like Noodles, or find a way to bottle her sunlight up and store it. (Wow, that sounds like the beginning of a horror story.)
Anyway, I’ll keep on keeping on, and see what happens.

4 thoughts on “‘Tis the Season…”

  1. Hi Stuckey!
    I’m glad you’re posting again! I know the feeling you’re describing, and the best antidotes I’ve found are socializing and exercise. So you’re doing the right thing I guess 🙂
    BUT the symptoms you’re describing after you finish the elliptical sound not normal at all!! It sounds like you’re overdoing it (especially if you’re doing it every day, your muscles need time to regenerate and grow and this will not happen if you train really hard every day!)
    Even after really hard training units I may have shaky legs but not to the extent you’re describing – you might want to look up rhabdomyolysis!
    Good luck on your quest for fitness and rediscovered friends!

  2. Ok, let’s get the obsessive medical side out of the way:
    – No, not normal, as ever so often, moderation is more helpful than excesses (yes, I know, no fun). My best guess is too much exercise on not enough food. Eat regularly enough decent food and keep the heavy exercise to every other day, or alternate easy walks with heavier exercise.
    Stop grumbling, breaking your body while trying to be healthier is counterproductive ;P
    – SAD is a thing. More light, more vitamin D, less stress. If that doesn’t work, then maybe some tasty happy pills.
    With that taken care of, I miss you. Even the grumbling. Yaa, it’s “just” internet stuff, I don’t care. It’s the most common way I find new friends now that I’m an old woman and all. But driving a few hundred miles or catching a flight to meet those people just doesn’t work well for a spontaneous movie night. It would be nicer to curl up and chat directly, but oh well..
    The other thing that works is going by what I’m enthusiastic about (not EVE right now), any hobby or activity that can be done with others. You still got no urges to start knitting? It sure is a way to catch females’ attention. 😀
    If you find some other way to meet new people, let me know, without work or kids there aren’t all that many opportunities.
    So, and with all those Grey puns I gotta go and spank a pomegranate…

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