Hopeless, Bleak Despair

I’m sitting in my house, listening to They Might Be Giants (who are currently singing a song by the same title as this post) and other songs that are meant to be happy ones in the hopes that it will improve my mood.  It’s not working.  The rest of this post might be a big downer, so stop reading if you don’t want to hear it.  If you continue to read, don’t email/text/call/come over out of fear that I might do something drastic.  I’ve decided that’s not an option.  So let’s get on with it, yes?
Having said that I’ve decided that “something drastic,” by which I mean suicide, is not an option is an indicator that I might have thought it over.  Allow me to confirm that.  For the second time in my life (the other being in late 1994) I have actually considered suicide.  I think I’ve only told one or two people in my entire life about the first time… and now I’m telling the whole world.  (All seven of you readers.)  It wasn’t a very long mental struggle, really.  It took about twenty minutes, while I was driving home from a local board game convention and lasted a few more minutes of me sitting on the floor, with my back leaning against the front door.
I don’t know what brought it on, really.  I spent the entire weekend in the company of some of my closest friends, playing games, joking, and laughing.  Maybe it was leaving all of that behind to come back home to my empty house.  Maybe is was some bad chicken in my chicken sandwich.  Maybe it was the realization that my idea of the ideal relationship (I’ll try to get back to this topic after I meander a bit) is not one which is shared by most, if not all, women.  Maybe I’m just too fucking tired of trying.
I just went back and read those previous three paragraphs, and realize that I’d better mark this post as private and not publish it, in the off-chance that one of my Facebook friends (like my Dad, for example) happens to read it and comes crashing down my door.  But I’m not going to mark it as private.  I’m going to point back to the end of Paragraph One, and say, “I’ll be ok.”  If the situation changes, and I decided that something drastic might actuall have a chance of happening, I will call you (or someone) and get some help.  I know I’m not alone.  (Besides, I would feel really bad about leaving my parents to sell off all my shit to pay off my credit card debt.  They don’t know what any of my gaming stuff is worth!)  Let me repeat that last bit there:  I know I am not alone.
And that’s the true point of confusion for me.  How can I know that I’m not alone in this, and still feel like I am?  It has to be chemical, right?  What else could cause the rational mind to say “Hey, you’ve got great friends and family that would do anything to help you out” while causing the emotional mind to say “There’s nothing worth living for.  Just give up!”  The two thoughts are mutually exclusive.  I guess it’s time to go back to the doctor and see about getting some pills for my crazy, huh?
So anyway, back to the bit about my “ideal relationship.”  (I apologize to my parents if this section causes any embarrassment.)
My parents have been married for over 36 years.  I believe that the way they make it work is by staying out of each others’ hair.  Dad will go up to “his room” to play around on the Internet and watch TV.  Mom will stay downstairs and read a book or watch TV.  Sometimes their interests coincide and they do things together, like when we get together with friends for dinner.  Maybe if they spent all their time together, they’d get a divorce.  Who knows?  MY point is, my parents have been my role models since I was born, so I observed this relationship and modeled my behaviors based on it.  Add in the fact that I’m an only child, and it means I basically learned how to enjoy being by myself.
So how do I add someone else into this?  In my opinion, my most successful relationships have actually been long-distance ones.  I’m guessing that this is because you don’t get to see each other every minute of every day.  You only have get to see each other every weekend or two.  (Yes, the first time I wrote that sentence, I used the word “have” instead of “get.”  Maybe there are deeper issues.)  It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with a girl, it’s just that I don’t want to spend ALL of my time with her.  Hell, I’ll be honest.  I don’t even want to spend MOST of my time with her.
So what the hell does that mean for me?  Does it meant I’m shit out of luck on finding a “weekend wife” or does it mean that I just haven’t met a girl that I actually would want to spend all my time with?  (I’ll give you a hint.  The second option is the sort of answer you give when you’re blowing smoke up someone’s ass so they don’t go off the deep end.  Since we’ve already established that the deep end isn’t an option, please don’t blow smoke.)

9 thoughts on “Hopeless, Bleak Despair”

  1. I think the answer is somewhere in between – you haven’t met someone you want to spend more of your time with, not all of your time. I’m the last person to talk about relationships.
    It’s not as crazy as you think to feel alone even when you’re not – or to think “if this is all there is, it’s not worth it” when you’re surrounded by people who love you.
    At least you have good music 🙂

  2. I can assure you that there is at least one woman on earth that shares the same opinion (that would be me). And if there is at least one, there will be more than one.
    In my last relationship (which lasted almost 6 years), we spent each minute of our days together. Study together, same classes, live together, sleep together, go on holidays together. It was terrible. I didn’t really realize it at the time, because I had big issues with being alone, so I didn’t realize that being with the same person ALL THE TIME was detrimental to our relationship, and even more to my personality.
    Now I’m in a relationship with a guy who has almost no time. I would spend more time with him if we could, and I’m sure he would also. But I realize that one of the reasons why our relationship works out that well is because we don’t HAVE to be together all the time. Because we can both have fun on our own. That doesn’t stop us from having lots of fun when we’re together, but we are still two independent, different persons. And that feels great.
    Also, I know how it feels to be alone even though you’re surrounded by people you love. It’s not crazy. It’s perfectly normal. And it will pass.
    I apologize for any spelling or logic mistakes, I’ve had a little too much wine. But I can ensure that I would say the exact same thing without wine 😉

  3. Yep. I’m depressed now. But seriously, from a person than has depression issues at times, its worse that you know whats wrong and you can answer every question that comes about in your head but that still does not help. Makes me believe that physiologists have to be the most fucked up people around.
    I’m a firm believer in meds though. You need a happy pill.

  4. [delurk]
    I hear you, my bloggie friend, I hear you. Just spent a weekend snowboarding and an acquaintance asked, “How in the world do you not have a boyfriend??” Implying I’m such a catch. *eyeroll* My response, “Well, I rather be alone most of the time, which isn’t conducive to being in a relationship.” To which the response was, “I think you’ve just been single for too long.” Hmm.
    I just know sometimes I yearn to be with someone very badly, but most of the time, I’m glad I’m single. I sometimes think if I can detach the wire that connects sex with love, life would be perfect. I sometimes wish I can put people on a shelve and play “relationship” only when I want it. Blah.
    You’ll be okay. *hugs*
    [/delurk]

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