Netflix Confessional – No Country for Old Men

I had to see what all the hype was about.  It won four Oscars ( Best Motion Picture of the Year, Best Achievement in Directing, Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role, Best Writing, Screenplay Based on Material Previously Produced or Published) and was nominated for four others.  Many of my friends had told me how awesome it was, and how utterly violent it was, so I added No Country for Old Men to my Netflix queue and moved it to the top.
I want to take this opportunity to personally apologize to every movie that got pushed down a notch so I could view this piece of shit that everyone called a great film.
The movie is about a country bumpkin who stumbles across a drug deal gone wrong.  All the Mexican dope-dealers have shot and killed one another, leaving the drugs and millions in cash to be found by our Texas redneck hero.  Of course, that money belongs to someone, and they send a giant hitman, who I will call Lurch, to get their money back.  (Thank God that Lurch just happened to be in this piss ant town already.)
Lurch isn’t your average nine-foot tall hitman, though.  He carries around an air hammer with him.  You know what an air hammer is, right?  One of those pneumatic weapons they use to kill cows at a slaughterhouse?  Anyway, it’s about the dumbest fucking way I can imagine letting someone kill me.  Although it’s very handy to knocking the entire locking mechanism out of door, apparently.
So Lurch is chasing Hillbilly Jim, who turns out to be a resourceful Vietnam veteran, and manages to stay one step ahead of his demise for what feels like four hours of movie.  In between the exciting blasting off of locks and sporatic gunfire, there are long dialogues from our narrator, Tommy Lee Jones, who is the local sheriff.
Let me get sidetracked here.  As the narrator, I really expected Tommy Lee Jones to have an actual part in the movie.  Instead, he just wanders around a lot and comments on the dead Mexican drug dealers, the viciousness of Lurch, and offers to help out Hillbilly Jim by calling Jim’s wife and telling her to let him know.
And then, about seventeen hours into the film, Lurch catches and kills Hillbilly Jim.  And they don’t even have the courtesy to show it.  I waited seventeen hours for this final confrontation, and they sum it up by showing the motel surrounded by police and the wife crying.  WHAT…. THE…. FUCK????
I was so pissed off at this point that I didn’t even pay attention to the last fifteen minutes of the movie, where Tommy Lee Jones is sitting at his breakfast table talking to his wife.  I couldn’t even tell you what the general topic was because I wasn’t listening.  I’m sure it was about how his Daddy never saw no crime like that, or how horrible mankind can be, or something that would brainwash the Oscar committee into thinking that this movie really said something about the world we live in today…. the world full of fifteen-foot tall hitmen who kill people with air hammers.
Fuck you, Cohen brothers.  I want my Netflix account credited for twenty-eight cents, and I want my eighteen hours back so I can watch something else, like Baby, Secret of the Lost Legend.
In other news, my parents loved Strutter, and she seems to like them back.

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