Time to clear up the fog…
So, I’ve mentioned that I’ve been living the Rock Star life since December 1st. Yes, part of this was an attempt to throw myself into life and avoid the depression I knew was looming. Part of this was also because of Strutter. On December 1st, Strutter invited me to go with her to a friend’s house, and I ended up staying there until after three in the morning. Once I got home, I called her just to let her know I was safe and then we ended up talking for another two hours on the phone. And then, over the past twelve days, we’ve been pretty inseparable.
I’ve denied the existence of chemistry and the mythical Spark before, and then later I conceded that I may have had the Spark with one other person. Strutter and I have that Spark. It’s undeniable, and even people around us have pointed it out. There’s just something there. But with me and Chicago sort of trying to work out a relationship, and Strutter actually being in a relationship, we just hung out and enjoyed the company of each other. We watched television, shared music, told our war stories, shared secrets… we grew closer. (Yeah, the poem was about her and I sharing the last cigarette of the night.)
But then I started thinking (overthinking?) about the Spark, and how I believe in it now. And then I started thinking how I don’t have that with Chicago. Was I settling? Even if Strutter and I don’t end up together, she has proven to me that there is something to this Spark Theory, and I would be settling for anyone that I didn’t have it with. That’s not fair to anyone. And so I had to tell Chicago it wasn’t going to work. It hurt to do it, but I needed to go into this with a clear conscious.
Which brings us back to Strutter, and the relationship that she is in. I’m not so foolish as to present an ultimatum, nor am I foolish enough to believe that my odds are good. But I’m going to risk it. She complains about him enough to make it clear that she’s not as happy as she should be, and she’s already agreed that we’ve got chemistry and that she’s considered acting on it. Even if things don’t progress to a relationship between us, I’ve made a friend that I will cherish for the rest of my life, and she’s also pretty damned good at Guitar Hero. (I just need to stop myself from smoking around her!)
I’m sick of seeing you cry
and wasting all your time
on someone who will never care enough
to make you feel loved
to make you feel safe
I would drop my life to take his place
– From Tech Romance, by Her Space Holiday
Time to clear up the fog…