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Who Am I? (Revisited)

I’ve realized that I’m not really one person
and neither of us gives a fuck.
Neither of us is really whole
or worth a damn.
– from “What is the Moment of Truth?” by Fractured

I’ve visited this topic before. Once in the blog, and several times in conversations and journal entries. Recently, however, I received a letter from someone I think very highly of, and it has me thinking along these lines again. She said that it was almost like I was two people. The one who writes, and the one I am around her.

She’s right, of course. When I mentioned, in some previous post, that I was shy, several people commented that they couldn’t believe it, just from the way I wrote. When I go back and read myself, I see that I am a different person inside my mind than I am in person.

I write as if I am who I want to be. I say things here that I wouldn’t say in person. Here, I am fearless.

Let’s face it, though. Aside from a handful of people who know me in the outside world, all of you are strangers. There are no repercussions to being fearless around you. I revealed to this world of strangers what I had never spoken about before, and it didn’t change my life. Yet I still won’t talk about it in person.

The real question, I suppose, is why can’t I be fearless everywhere? Why is it so hard for me to open up? Why do I have these walls? More importantly, what is left of me that is worth protecting? Hmmm. That’s more than one real question.

I really don’t even remember when my walls went up. I just know that, at some point in my life, I started guarding myself. What have I missed out on because of this? How much life have I wasted out of fear of getting hurt? It’s time.

This brings me to the next, inevitable, step of my Renaissance. I need to live my life without walls, and I need to start today. Whether something grows between us or not, I’m not going to let this wonderful girl who wrote the letter wonder who I am anymore.

13 thoughts on “Who Am I? (Revisited)”

  1. CapricornCringe

    I hope that your determination to live without walls doesn’t inspire you to tear down your house. Somehow, I just can’t picture you living in a tree.

    I have the same problem with walls, only I’ve noticed my walls have appeared in my writing. And that ain’t good. The older I get the harder it is for me to be honest (even online) and reach out to people in a genuine manner. You inspire me to change that 🙂 Although I have to say that the posts I’ve written that were the most honest got no response at all. Interesting.

  2. lenfercestlesautres

    I’m kind of a split personality too. I’m really shy, and I have those walls, too.
    What can we do? Kick our butt everyday to be different, I guess.

  3. cap- I think most people are afraid to comment on the things that matter. They don’t want to hurt your feelings.

    len- That’s the plan.

  4. CapricornCringe

    I guess that some people might not want to hurt my feelings. But … wouldn’t that mean that they didn’t like what I wrote or disagreed with it? And how is it even possible that anyone could NOT like what I wrote? Or disagree with me? 🙂

  5. Whenever I’m feeling nervous in public… or just nervous to be myself around people… I like to think about the fact that this is MY life, and all these other people are just here to entertain ME! They can think whatever the crap they want!

    It’s true… and it helps.

  6. Behind The Curve

    Say hello to Ms. Wall. Nice to meet you. I know what you’re saying. I think I know why my walls are there, and rather than trying to tear them down, I just build ladders to climb over them. Somehow being able to climb back behind the walls sometimes feel safe for me, so I’m fine with my walls. I just work around them. Whatever works for you, do it! :o)

  7. Phantom Hater

    Everyone is insecure, but some people are just more efficient at masking it. It also helps to analyze things less. The more you think about something, the less likely you are to do it. That works the best for me, although I do sometimes say and do some damn stupid things. 🙂

    len–You definitely have to “kick your butt” everyday if it doesn’t come naturally. Confidence is not gained by being passive.

    capri–There’s no way to really tell how people truly responded to your posts. Maybe they fainted, or cried. Maybe their computer broke as they were typing you a furious comment. 🙂

    ~mj–I’m glad I’m just here for your entertainment.

    I also like to have my own tagline. “PH–Always A Memorable Experience” It’s on my card.

  8. Hey, I wrote you, did you get my email? RESPOND. I haven’t heard from you in like 932487 years. Or something close to that.

    Drew S.

  9. Virginia Belle

    she’s right. you are a totally different person on here vs. in real life.

    same values, same opinions, same sweet guy. but totally different attitudes. the real stuck is quiet, shy…and not nearly as serious. i’ve noticed it from the first time i read your blog.

    it’s understandable you’d be different in real life. with anonymity comes freedom and fearlessness. almost like wearing a mask or disguise. no one knows who you are, therefore, you are free to be whomever you want.

    i wonder if i’m the same in real life as i am on my blog?? i’m not as self-aware as you are. is there a difference between the real VB and the blogger VB? only you and MJ know……….

    LOL at MJ’s comment. 😀

    and PH gives good advice. listen to him. stop thinking and start doing if you want your life to change. it’s very difficult, but i’m trying to do that, too.

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