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Tag. I’m old. Or am I?

I’ve been tagged by L’enfer, c’est les autres, which I’m pretty sure is French for “I have an interesting blog, am incredibly skinny, and like to wear ‘do-rags.” (It doesn’t really mean that. It’s something about how Hell can be created by being in the presence of other people.) Anyways, she wants to know how old I am, and I will fufill my duty. So…
1. All your plants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them.
I do not grow any house plants at all. I did plant some cedar trees in the yard about six years ago. One of them looks decent. The rest look like Charlie Brown’s Christmas tree. But they’re alive. I’ve never thought about smoking them, but I’ll try anything once.
2. You’re not having sex in a too small bed.
No place is too small to have sex. Except maybe the back seat of a Volkswagon.
3. You have more food than beer in the fridge.
At this exact instant, this is true, but I will rectify it after a shopping trip tonight.
4. 6:00 AM is the time to get up, not the time to go to bed.
Even if I go to bed at 10:00 PM, 6:00 AM is too early to get up.
5. You hear your favorite song in the elevator.
My favorite song changes every hour, but I’m pretty sure none of the songs that make the list would ever turn into Muzak.
7. You listen to the weather forecast.
I check the weather by walking outside and looking at the sky. Or by judging how intense the ache in my left knee is.
8. Your friends are marrying or divorcing – not “having affairs” or “breaking up”.
None of my friends are divorcing.
9. You have less than 130 days off.
True, but I’m taking next week off.
9. Jeans and a sweater don’t make you chic any more.
I’m not sure any clothing would make me chic. I’m also not sure that I would ever want to be referred to as such.
10. You’re calling the cops because those %&@# kids don’t want to turn down the music.
No, but I did go over and ask them to keep it down once.
11. Older relatives don’t mind making dirty jokes when you’re present any more.
They started doing this in high school, whenever we would go out to bars together for wings and beer. I love my parents and their friends (who I refer to as my near-parents).
12. You don’t know when McDonald’s closes.
I know that it’s before midnight, and I hate it. But they did open a BRAND NEW Waffle House right up the road. I was the very first people to play the Waffle House songs on that jukebox.
13. You pay less for you car insurance and more for your car.
I’m not sure about this. My rates went down, yes, but I’m still paying about the same on my new truck that I did on the old one.
14. You’re feeding your cat with cat food, not with pizza leftovers.
I don’t own a cat, but I would feed it cat food. I’m all too familiar with what people food does to an animal’s bowels, and I ain’t cleaning that up.
15. You get a backache from sleeping on a couch.
Sometimes, but I aim to rectify this by getting a better couch.
16. You’re taking naps.
Not really. I sleep during the day a lot, but the amount of time I spent asleep would be called sleeping instead of napping.
17. Go out to have dinner and to the movies is the whole date, not only its beginning.
I suppose that depends on how charming I am and how interesting she is.
18. Eating fried things at 3 AM would get you stomach problems, not solve them.
The very first time I had heartburn, I woke up and thought I was dying. Now, I just curse myself for getting the Mighty Meaty pizza.
19. You’re buying Aspirin and stomach pills in the pharmacy, not pregnancy tests and condoms.
I don’t think I’ve ever bought anything aside from cigarettes at a pharmacy.
20. A bottle of wine for 4 Euros is not “really good” any more.
Four euros is about $5.40 US. I’m not a big fan of wine, but there are several cheap wines that taste as good as the more expensive stuff.
21. You’re eating bread and drinking coffee for breakfast, instead of having eggs and beer.
I don’t do breakfast. Shame on me.
22. It’s “I can’t drink as much as back then” instead of “I’ll never drink that much again.”
I will never say I “can’t.” I don’t drink as much as I did, but I still have my nights, and my mornings of regret. Tomorrow night will probably be one of them.
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for your work.
Completely untrue. I spend just as much time in front of a computer at home. (It’s why I’m so pasty white.)
24. You’re not drinking at home any more before going out because you want to save money.
I’ll drink wherever the mood strikes me, but I do drink more out than in.
25. When you hear that an acquaintance is pregnant, you congratulate instead of saying “Shit, how did that happen?”
I’m pretty sure I know how it happens. The man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly in the women’s cha-cha (or her vajayjay, as BCOL called it) and pees, right? In all seriousness, I suppose it depends on the friend. I can think of one of my couple-friends that I would very happy to congratulate. But I also still have some friends who would be freaking out.

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