That House? No, Don’t Go in There…

MJ wrote an excellent post about a Guy’s House that will scare her off, and then commented that she would be interested as to what guys find scary about girl’s houses. So here you go, MJ, in no particular order, my Top Ten things that will send me running:
1) More than two cats – I prefer dogs, and big wrestleable* dogs at that, but have come to the point that I no longer hate cats. One cat is acceptable. Two cats is understandable, since you don’t want the first one to get lonely. More than two usually means you’re a lonely girl who NEEDS that company, which usually points to needing a lot of other things. (I said ‘usually’ twice. Don’t get pissed at me if you’re a girl with more than two cats. You might be an exception.) Also, I have serious cleanliness issues with a box of feces in the house. Even if you only have one cat and don’t clean your litter box daily, I’m not going to date you anymore.
2) Frilly shit – If anything in the house resembles a loofa (one of them spongy things that you use with body wash, though I might be spelling it wrong… or using the wrong word entirely) then it really shouldn’t be sitting out in the open. I don’t like frills on non-clothing. (And even on clothing, I prefer minimum frills.)
3) Purple/Fuschia or pink walls – If you have this color wall in your house, odds are you picked it out and put it there. If you didn’t, you’re still tolerating it by not covering it up. If we were to get married, you might try to paint a room in our house that color, and I can’t take that risk.
4) Clutter – Clean up after yourself. No, really. Do it. I can forgive a mess for a day or two, because everyone has lazy days. But if your floor has been hidden by the same thing you haven’t put away for a week, then that’s clutter.
5) Girl Clutter – This is worse than clutter, because it’s something I can’t identify, and usually frilly. It’s some object or throw pillow that probably came from Bed Bath & Beyond or the Body Shop, and I don’t want to touch it for fear that I will suddenly grow a vagina. No one wants that. (Note – I’m not talking about tampons and the like here, though you might want to put them in a cabinet or something. I’m talking about clutter that is unmistakably girly, such as throw pillows, back massagers that look like alien devices, etc.)
6) Ratty underwear – No one wants to see your “period panties” tossed off to the foot of the bed. (I am assuming that all women know the phrase “period panties,” since three of my ex-girlfriends have used it.) You don’t want to see my boxers full of holes, no matter how comfortable and broken-in they are. It’s a fair trade-off.
7) Lotion in every room – Lotion scares me, but I realize it makes your skin more touchable so I won’t complain. But having lotion in every room is obsessive, and indicates some deep-rooted issue. And God have mercy if it’s smelly lotion, which leads me to the next one…
8) Girly Smell Overload – If there is more than one girly smell in your house, I will start sneezing until I die. If there there is only one girly smell in your house, please make it a subtle one, so as not to burn my eyes. (I am aware that my house smells like peppermint. Peppermint is not a girly smell. Lilac is a girly smell.)
9) Unclean Animal Area – This also covers the litter box issue, but isn’t limited to cats. If you have bird cages, rabbit hutches, hamster tunnels, iguana pens… Basically, if you can’t clean up after an animal that relies on you to do this, then you’ll make excuses not to clean up after yourself.
10) A CD Collection Full of Crap – Anytime I walk into a new house, anyone’s house, the very first thing I will look for is a collection of music. One day I will post a picture of my CD collection, so people can understand how much I love music. I’m not going to claim that there’s no crap at all within it (For example, Music Box, by Mariah Carey is in there. But you never know when you might want to make a mix tape for a girl that includes her song “Hero”), but there’s a lot more music that I like than I don’t. If I spy a collection that is nothing but gangsta rap, then I’m probably going to have a lesser opinion of you. (Gangsta Rap, to me, is any music that glorifies a life of law-breaking, carrying pistols, and smackin’ bitches.)
* “Wrestleable” is not a word, but should be. It would mean “having the capacity to be wrestled.” In this case, a big dog.

7 thoughts on “That House? No, Don’t Go in There…”

  1. CapricornCringe

    We have the same list.

    I clean the litter box religiously. In fact, I say a little prayer over it each time I approach with the scooper.

    I have never used the phrase “period panties” at any point in my life. Not even when I dated men – hell, especially not then. Teaching men to say things like “period panties” or to even know what that means is like putting a cutesy little sweater on a dog. It should be against the law. Period.

  2. Interesting.
    I have a collection of more or less crappy CDs, and I can admit that, but it’s only because all the good music is on my PC.

    I don’t know the phrase “period panties” either. But I can imagine, thank you.

    I also think that if you’re really into someone, lots of the points you would put on such a list don’t really matter. At least, if it’s not ALL the points on the list.


  3. Cap – The thought of you prayer over poop is mildly disturbing.

    Len – I will concede that if they’re incredibly interesting, I can overlook many of these things. (Especially the cat one, since two of the former Stuckey-girls had three cats each) This is more or less a list of things that will worry me when I experience them for the first time.

    As for “period panties,” I got an email that asked exactly what they were. So the three girls that I heard it from must have known each other beforehand or something. They’re just ratty underwear that should have been thrown away long ago, but is kept around because they’re comfortable. And probably because they’re handy to have around in case of leakage… but I’m a guy, so I don’t want to think about practical stuff like that. *shiver*

  4. CapricornCringe

    I know what “period panties” are … my point was that you should not be expected to know. No one should know. It should never, ever be discussed. We should all live in the Dark Ages. Men and women were probably happier then. 🙂

    My prayer over the litter box usually involves something like, “Oh, God, why can’t I have a magic, self-cleaning, self-disposing box so that I never have to do this again?!?!”

    Why do I tell you these things?

  5. I went to this guy’s condo once and was shocked at how clean it was – and everything was in such perfect order. Even the closet – colour coded and everything! Total type A personality – either that or he must have been gay. And btw, he had a drawer full of Bath & Body.
    1) yes more than 2 cats is kinda alot – only because I think: wow at the cat hair!
    2)loofa is not filly – its a necessity for smoothe skin
    3)ouch my eyes
    4)erm.. Im workin on that … next…
    5)does this mean you prefer a gal to have man-clutter? :p
    7)that goes with #2
    8)How about fruity smells? Those are yum! And they are good to hide the male gas smells if one lives with a man – hehe
    9)dont have any animals
    10) Gasp! music snob!

  6. Moi – Fruity smells have to be pre-approved on a case-by-case basis. Lemon-smell is fine.

    And yes, I am a music snob. If you don’t like the same music as me, you have terrible taste in music. But since I listen to almost every genre of music, there aren’t many people who get labeled.

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