Dating in South Carolina

I’m writing this entry in response to a post by Matilda Jane. I’m not actually angered by stereotypes, but thought it would be fun to post a Southern Response. Some of my points actually agree with MJ, just from the other side of the fence. (Here, “fence” means the line betwee the North and South. Don’t you DARE call it the Mason-Dixon line, either, because that shit is north of Maryland and DC, and we all know them places is full of Yankees!)
I’ve lived here in South Carolina all of my life, and in Columbia for all of my dating life. I’ve been in eight relationships that I would consider “serious” and have dated around twenty-eight girls in between the “serious relationships.” (There may be more than twenty-eight, so please forgive me if you were Number Twenty-Nine and are offended that I forgot to count you.) In my dating experience, which I do not think of as vast, I have come to the following conclusions:
1) A long-distance relationship is good. While it sucks to be without one another for days, weeks, or even months on end, it’s nice not to have her drop by every day and drive you insane. I think my ideal marriage situation would be having two houses side-by-side, which my spouse and I would respectively occupy. I’ve only met one woman who agrees with this idea, though, and she’s already married. So I guess I’ll eventually have to lower my expectations on this, but I’m not in a hurry to marry.
2) Northern women require much less effort to get in the sack. I’m not calling any of you sluts, so don’t get defensive. I’m just saying that a Southern girl usually requires a lot more talk and attention to get naked, where a Northern girl is usually wondering how much longer you’re going to talk before she can get naked.
3) Southern girls do not mix with alcohol. If you let a Southern girl start drinking, you’re going to have your hands full trying to keep her from making a scene. A Northern girl will probably drink you under the table, and hopefully take advantage of you there on the floor.
4) Southern women are 80% more likely to have kids. Apparently, folks down here in the Country just don’t understand what the hell a jimmy-hat is used for. Or maybe Southern girls are just easier to talk into going bareback with. I wonder if this is because down here, we don’t really perceive STDs as a “real” threat.
5) Southern women talk more than any other woman on the planet. Whether it’s juicy gossip, a recap of their day, or just enjoying the sound of their own voice, you can not get a Southern woman to stop talking. Northern woman talk a lot, too, but no more that other women in non-Southern regions. (I’ve been told that Hispanic women give Southern women a run for their money, but these perceptions are limited to my own experiences, and I’ve not dated a saucy Latina as of yet.)
6) Northern women believe that they are smarter than you. Yes, they have better schools per capita, but they fail to understand that our state’s test scores are averages, and that towns like Ninety-Six, Coosawhatchie, and New Ellington drag our average so far down that Irmo, Dutch Fork, and Chapin can’t save us. (No offense to any of the people from those small towns. Statistically speaking, your test scores are abysmal. That doesn’t mean some of you aren’t smart.)
7) Southern women are more likely to be divorced or, worse, still married and hiding it from you. I think we raise our youth to believe they should be married and reproducing by the age of twenty-five. Looking back, I can see that I didn’t know shit about who I wanted to be with when I was twenty-five, so I can’t be surprised by the divorce rate.
8) College girls are just like high school girls, except they usually live with other hot girls instead of their parents. What do I mean by this? I mean they’re immature. If you want sex without fear of a long-term commitment, hit up a college girl. She might ask for the commitment, but she’ll change her mind in a month, which gives you healthy sport sex for a month.
9) Southern girls are a lot closer to God than Northern girls. While a lot of Northern girls I’ve met/dated are “spiritual,” I wouldn’t call them religious. More often than not, the Southern girls I’ve met/dated were all about the Jesus. This might be the reason behind point number two above. The Northern girls I’ve met that are/were religious are all Catholic.
10) An ex-Catholic girl is a firecracker in bed. I’m afraid to speculate on the reasons behind this, because it will probably lead me into asking why Catholic schoolgirl uniforms are so fucking sexy on an adult woman. (I said on an adult woman, you freak! Move to Japan if you want to think like that!)
11) Southern women are typically lacking in common sense. If they do have common sense, they’ll usually pretend like they don’t. I think they believe that a man will be intimidated by a smart girl. (And maybe we are… but I will admit that the conversation is a lot better.)

9 thoughts on “Dating in South Carolina”

  1. 1) I have nothing good to say about long-distance relationships. I did it in college… never again.
    2) I have to agree with this one, but that’s only because southern girls are prudes.
    3) I saw an interesting scene this past weekend when a girl lost half her dress when she fell down in Liberty. I’ll bet she was southern.
    4) I think when they finally let the prudishness go, they don’t have much experience on what to do from there. Also, I know a few that have tried to keep the guy around by (oops) accidentally getting preggo.
    5) Agreed. I choose to listen more than talk. Southern girls just have this belief that their lives are so interesting, while in reality someone is probably wishing she would just shut the fock up.
    6) Don’t blame it on the small towns… SC is near the bottom of the education list as much as they are on the top for diabetes.
    7) What’s with getting married so darn early? I’ll never understand it.
    8) interesting…. I suppose that’s pretty well proven by hanging out in five points
    9) closer to god? More like more hipporcitical. They probably don’t know that the bible was not only written after Jesus’ death, but also by a bunch of guys that were probably on hallucinogenic drugs before anyone knew what these drugs were.
    10) hm… I’m an ex-catholic… perhaps it’s all the letting go of guilt that was pounded into our heads at such a young age (no sex, no dancing, no swearing…)
    11) oh, you mean it’s not adorable to be dumb as bricks? teehee… *twirl hair*

  2. 6) But it IS the small towns that drag test scores down. It’s because they can’t get funding. School districts, like Lexington Five, basically extort the citizens to get all the money they need, where small town schools can’t do this because the people simply can’t afford it.

    I’m a product of the SC Public School System, and I know what I scored on the SAT as opposed to the rest of the country. (Ever modest, I will just say that it well above state average that year.) I also know that several of my Northern friends can’t believe that I’m actually from this state.

    9) I actually got into an argument with a “witness” one day when I asked him if he knew that Jesus was a Jew. I finally called him an ignorant Jesus-Nazi and told him to read his book before he preached it.

  3. 6) what’s the state average? 150?

    lol just kidding… you’re one of few intelligent guys I’ve met that were born and raised in SC

    9) it’s amazing what some people preach without knowing what the heck they’re talking about

  4. Just thought you should know, it’s New Ellenton. If you’re gonna pick on the town my husband’s from, at least spell it right. 😉

  5. I’m sure I’ll think of something smart to say after I’ve stopped laughing my ass off. I know it will be smart because … well … I’m smart. I’m technically a ‘northern’ girl 🙂

  6. I’m a Catholic girl from the Deep South stuck in the middle of Manhattan. My long distance relationships have all ended in disaster because in each case, I found another guy and ran off with him. I think I’m pretty smart; I went to a Northern college and a Southern law school. I’ve been told I’m a “firecracker” in many ways, but I’m not telling how because I’m a demure Southern girl. I’ve never been married but I do want kids.

    Oh, jeez..I’m so confused….

  7. I thought you were Eastern? (Joking! Don’t kick me!)

    I’m surprised that Southern girls can survive in the north. From reading your blog, it sounds like you’ve been acclimated to Manhattan life, though, so I wonder if you could handle moving back to the South, and if you did, would Southern men think of you as a Yankee….

  8. did that guy seriously deny that jesus was jewish? OMG the ignorance in this state never ceases to amaze me. i love living here, but dammit we have a lot of idiots.

    i can totally relate to teahouse’s comment. i feel eerily similar….

    i gotta say, Stuck, you might be on to something with this post….you’re pretty much spot on. #8 made me laugh out loud. SO TRUE.

    although i gotta agree w/MJ on the long distance thing. and the ex-catholic thing. carrying all that shame and guilt has to come out in some way or another.

    southern women get married at young ages. this is true. if you look at any general predictive statistics, you will notice direct relationship between level of education and age at first marriage. based on our terrible education here in this state, the young marriages/divorces shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.

    you can put me down as #2 on the list of women who think it’s a good idea to live next door to their hubbies, rather than in the same house. i would not have to look at his dirty underwear AND i could have control of the remote. sign me up.

    wait, he will still mow my grass, right? because if not, the deal’s off.

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