Christmas Fashion

He sees you when you’re sleeping…
He knows when you’re awake…
He knows if you’ve been bad or good…
-Creepiest Christmas Song Ever

There was an article in The State earlier this week that condemned the wearing of Christmas sweaters, citing that only a child should be allowed to get away with something so garish. Quite frankly, the story has me torn.
On the one hand, I can not imagine my aunt not wearing a Christmas sweater. Ever. Like even in mid-July. We go to her house every year for Christmas Day, and I guess my brain has just made that mental association. I see her other times in the year without a seasonal sweat, but that’s not how I remember her.
On the other hand, I think this fashion statement has exploded out of control. They’ve gone from simple designs to absolutely tacky depictions of Santa and reindeer that people should be ashamed to wear them. (And this is coming from a guy who owns a tee shirt that has the word ‘FUCK’ on the back in ten-inch letters.)
But this post isn’t about sweaters, specifically. It’s about how every aspect of Christmas has boldly charged into the realm of tacky bullshit. Houses so bright with colored lights that planes mistake them for airfields, inflatable snow globes with Homer Simpson inside, wearing a Santa suit, reindeer built from wires and white lights that move (which creeps me out to no end, but it might just be me…), and that God-forsaken bell-ringer in front of every large store, just ringing away for whatever spare change we have.
Christmas is no longer a religious holiday. It’s all about the insanity now. (I’m sure I have a friend or two who would argue that religion and insanity are the same thing.) It’s about stores competing to see which can put out more holiday ads, office managers seeing how many Christmas trees they can fit around the office, neighbors seeing who can put more inflatable shit in their front yard…
These two house are across the street from me. (I apologize for the picture quality, it was dark and I was overcome by an urge to smash their shit. In the daytime it’s even worse because they are mostly lifeless, deflated husks…) A few years ago, it started out with just two inflatable in one yard and one in the other. The year after that, they began to escalate. And now, with planes landing directly over my house every night, I am afraid for my safety. I expect that, any night now, I’m going to wake up and think that the moon is crashing into my house again… Only it really will crash into my house this time.
So this is my plea to you, insane citizens of the world. Please exercise some restraint in future holiday seasons. While I am certain that the inflatable snow globe looks like a good idea when you’re standing in the middle of Lowe’s, I assure you that it’s not. Practice moderation. If your power bill goes up by more than five dollars because of your decorations, then you’ve gone too far. I’m not asking for anyone to go as minimalist as myself when it comes to decorating, but I think it’s a good idea to aim for that.
This is my holiday decoration…From the outside, it looks like I’m a perfectly reasonable fellow who put a tree up. From the inside, I’ve gone the practical route and decided to fool my neighbors into thinking I’m a nice guy.
If, insane citizens of the world, you can not control these holiday urges, I believe we, the practical minimalists, will have to strike back. I have made contact with several manufacturers in China and Thailand who are awaiting the word from me which will begin production of millions of Labor Day inflatable, sweaters, and lights. Don’t make me do it…

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