‘Tis the Season…

This is my December
This is my snow-covered home
This is my December
This is me alone
– Linkin Park, “My December”

Another year is coming to a close, bringing my least favorite month back around to torment me. There have been several studies about holiday depression and the increase in the number of suicides every winter, but knowing that I am not alone in my dislike for the month is small comfort. It is small comfort because this month, in particular, is a month in which I feel the most alone.
I’m not saying that I’m going to kill myself, or anything radical like that. I’m just saying that December brings with it several annual events at once that slam into my chest one right after the other:
First, there’s my birthday. After 30, I stopped counting. I used to say this as a joke, but discovered that it’s actually true. Someone had asked me my age a few months ago and I told them I was 30. It’s not because I wanted to lie, but because I honestly thought I was. An entire year of my life apparently had so little to remember that my subconscious simply told my conscious that it didn’t count. So this year, while my body will turn 32, I have decided to let my subconscious decide whether or not this year needs to be purged from memory.
I also like to joke about the symbolism of my birthday. It’s December 21, the Winter Solstice. That means it’s the shortest day of the year. Wouldn’t you know I’d get screwed by having less daylight to party in? Now that I’m older, though, I find that suits me fine. I’m a night person anyway. December 21 is also the first day of winter. My birth heralds the coming of the coldest, most depressing season of the year. You’re all welcome.
I’d like to say that getting older doesn’t really bother me. Worst case scenario, it means I’m one year closer to being done with this life and moving on the next, and hopefully better, one. I’d like to say it, but I can’t lie. It does bother me, because getting older simply reminds me that I’m not married yet and have no children (that I know about). This feeling is amplified by the second annual event, which is the close of the year.
December is the end of a year, which is a convenient time to look back at what you managed to accomplish in the previous twelve months. Perhaps it’s my disposition that makes me overlook some of the things I’ve done well and only see the negative. I’ve always had a tendency to view the world through coal-tinted glasses, and December is no exception.
The third event is, of course, Christmas. If I had a wife and/or children, I believe that I would enjoy this holiday again simply by proxy. Seeing people that I love laugh and be happy is something that I live for. Every Christmas I drive out to my aunt’s house to spend the day with my parents, my aunt, my grandfather, and my cousins. I do enjoy seeing them, and I love seeing the children spoiled, but part of it eats away something inside me… It reminds me that I’m driving home to spend the night alone.
It’s not all pain and sorrow, though, for there is another holiday in December, which is my favorite holiday of all. New Year’s Eve is the night to say goodbye to the previous year, and look forward with hopeful eyes. It’s a night that I spend with friends, laughing and not thinking about what next December holds for me. It’s a rebirth of sorts, a renewal of my spirit. I am looking forward to spending New Year’s at the Saucer this year…
Before leaving, I would just like to say that this is, in no fashion, a post to elicit pity from my readers. I could care less what you think. I don’t write for you. I write for me. It’s my therapy. And now that I’ve taken these feelings and set them down, my day has actually brightened. New Year’s isn’t that far off, and I have no doubts that I’ll make it.

2 thoughts on “‘Tis the Season…”

  1. crap. i’ll be 28 in two months.

    thanks for reminding me.

    oh well.

    i know what you mean, though, about being alone. remember my “i’m so lonely” post? yeah. you’ve pretty much summed it up here. i guess after a while, all that wonderful freedom we have as single people turns into the burden of loneliness.


    now i’m depressed.

  2. We’ll have to grab coffee and comiserate once we find a time that our schedules don’t bump into each other. I’ve been trying to get out of the house most every night just to surround myself with people.

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