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Pre-emptive Singles’ Awareness Day Post

Valentine’s Day, or Singles’ Awareness Day as I like to call it, is a celebration of commerce and coercion. Oh yes, love probably filters in somewhere too. Why do we have this holiday? More importantly, why did this holiday become a celebration of love and coupling? Everyone likes to give an answer to this question, but no one really knows the truth. It’s all purely speculation.
According to the Catholic Church, there were three Saint Valentines. Nowhere is it specified which of the three was the reason behind the Catholic’s annual feast day, which fell on February 14 by order of Pope Gelasius I back in 496. There are several myths and legends behind his reason for this particular day, but none proven. In fact, early mentions of this feast didn’t even mention love or marriage. Even more interesting is that Saint Valentine was so obscure that the Catholic Church removed Saint Valentine’s Day from their list of holidays in 1969.
Basically this day is a tradition that came about for no reason. For whatever reason, people decided to exchange cards on this day to show their affection. I actually have no qualms about this. That’s sweet and thoughtful. But in the second part of the 20th century, someone decided that cards just weren’t enough. Flowers and chocolates were added to the mix. Even that is still acceptable as thoughtful. But then the 80s rolled around, and the diamond industry saw a marketing opportunity that they couldn’t pass up.
What the hell? A diamond may be forever, but February 14th comes and goes. Some marketing jackass went and raised the expectations of women, and suddenly, men become insensitive pigs if they don’t live up to these expectations. Men are miserable about this. Don’t believe me? Go to the mall tonight, or a Hallmark store, or a flower shop. You will find hundreds of sad men browsing for that perfect gift so as to avoid the label of insensitive pig. Actually, don’t go tonight. It’s too soon. We men like to put things off, you know? Anyway, worry no further, fellow men. I have a solution for you that will unquestionably be to your benefit. (Ironic, since I’d say 90% of my readers are women.)
Don’t buy her anything. Make a card. Not some stupid internet card that someone else made for you and you just click a radio button. MAKE a card. If you have no skills at all, go out and buy construction paper and safety scissors and make a card that looks like it came from a pre-schooler. The card isn’t really important. It’s what you write inside that she wants. What do you write? I can’t answer that with a specific phrase, since I never think about my words before I release them. But that’s what I recommend. Don’t think about it. Just grab a pen and let your heart take control.
There are two possible reactions to this card, once presented. The first is that she will cry and hug you and kiss you and you will probably run off to bed together. Good job. Hold on to this woman. The second, though, is that she will be disappointed and/or angry. Let her rage. Watch her. This is the true form of the woman you just gave a piece of your soul to. When she is done with her fit, politely tell her that you think it would be a good idea if you were to start seeing other people and walk away. Go out and find a woman that will react in a positive manner to the card, and maybe who sings the guitar part to songs.
The secret to Singles’ Awareness Day is that Good Women don’t really want candy or flowers or diamonds. They just want to be with you. Don’t let some marketing ploy ruin what can be a very sweet and tender moment.

DISCLAIMER: Not all women are selfish bitches. But the ones who are make it feel like that sometime.

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